Blowing up

A brief open letter to the illegal fireworks industry:

Despite all your efforts, far too many of the idiots of the country fail to suffer serious injury from lighting explosive devices while ostensibly celebrating our country's independence. I do not need to do extensive research to know that the morons who are inclined to set off your packets of powder still have their limbs because I could hear the ka-booms at 2:30 in the morning. On the 5th of July. And after midnight on July 6.

These fans of freedom clearly have enough fingers left on their hands to light the fuse, and this is proof that you are not doing your job. Ultimately, you have only one task: thin the herd. Yours is the industry best suited to appeal to the naïve and dangerous. You are in the unique position of disfiguring them before they become a serious threat to the rest of us while making a profit at it. They will pay for the opportunity. Heck, the really stupid ones will come back again after they've learned to fire up the lighter with their other hand.

However, it is obvious too many of them are emerging unscathed from their frivolity with your products, so I beseech you to make the necessary modifications to expedite the necessary inevitable outcome: pack in more explosive powder and make the fuses even shorter. And change any warnings printed on the packaging to encouragement to hold the fireworks in the hand for the best experience. (You're already illegal; it's not like they can find you for a lawsuit anyway.)

I realize it's too late for this year. Please begin the process of implementing the necessary changes a.s.a.p. so they will be in effect by next July.

Yours in appreciation and disdain,
Doug