Tuesday, January 03, 2012

A special offer for next New Year's Eve

Do you have a friend or loved one who spent all of December 31st remarking about how every mundane activity he/she did was the "last time in 2011" and it started making you hope that Mayan apocalypse would strike just to get him/her to shut up about it? Well, reserve your spot for next New Year's Eve now with a new service that will take that person on or around December 30 and put him/her into a completely safe medically induced coma for the entirety of the 24 hours preceding 2013, thereby preventing that person from annoying you and others with their inane prattling about how "This is the last time I'll brush my teeth in 2012" (and the like). The person will be revived on January 1, 2013, believing he or she merely over indulged at a pre-New Year's celebration.

If you are concerned the tendency merely will be transferred into commentary about how, post-awakening, the person will note everything is the "first of 2013" (or make silly quips such as "Look at all this laundry left over from last year"), for a modest additional fee we will maintain the coma for the entire first week of January. (Note: This option requires that the person wake up in the hospital, with the cover story involving an accident at the hypothetical celebration. Please be prepared to play along.)

And if you wish that person to remain indefinitely incapacitated, just testify that he/she is suspected of terrorist activities. (Requires recurring monthly fees.)

Merely leave a comment. We'll be monitoring them and will contact you.

Your friends at Halliburton Industries. Your American government (thanks to that bill the president signed). Never mind who we are. Just know: We have the power to make next year better for you. Unless you are quipping about the every stupid little thing you do on the last day of the year.

1 comment:

  1. Snork.

    Dates are just made-up numbers. The only date that really matters is the one roughly 347 revolutions from now, when an asteroid plunging inward from the Oort cloud cracks this planet like a peanut. There's that "change" the Mayans were talking about.

    Or maybe not. Fun to think about though.


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