Grin and bear it--err, wipe it

The current ad campaign by Charmin features cartoon bears who wipe their ursa bottoms with toilet paper. They have a catchy little jingle in the commercials employing the aphorism "Less is more" which is demonstrated in the on-screen animation: the mommy bear convinces the baby bear to use fewer sheets of the feted product because the new Charmin is more absorbent than the other leading brand (cut to live-action shot of side-by-side test).

Okay, I can accept cute, anthropomorphic animals selling us products--it's been a staple of TV advertising for decades. And the song, despite its strained attempt at rhyming "sure" with "more", is catchy. However, I cannot help but think their attempts to tout the economic benefits of the greater absorbancy of the product misses the point.

I'm not using that much toilet paper because what I'm wiping back there requires it to soak up the moisture (I'm trying to be delicate here, folks); I'm using that much toilet paper because I want a solid layer of protection to keep my hand away from what I'm wiping back there, even though it is excessive for the absorbency needs of what's being wiped. Because it is excessive. It's not fecalphobia; it's just... you know.

If you want poo on your hand, that's your prerogative; it's a free country. Please wash your hands when using public restrooms--I guarantee you they're not stocking those stalls with this Charmin. Which means it's a haven for fecalphiliacs... I'm going to hold it until I get home.

Uh... think of the cute bears. Yeah, cute bears.

Wow. I have a new respect for those who have to try to sell products dealing with bodily functions. Just because everybody poops doesn't make it easy.

However, if I were to give it a shot, I'd probably start with: "Charmin: It keeps poop off your hands."