Distractions from your worthless, miserable existence

[email composed 15 March 2001]

Howdy everybody (of course, it's hard to realize you're part of an "everybody" since I've BCCed you all--and why you may ask? so your precious e-mail address doesn't fall into the wrong hands. no need to thank me: just looking out for those I care about. and you as well. ha ha. laugh along with me at that witty remark. okay, don't. fine. see if I care),

I was going to send some attachment that was sent to me where it's a wilderness picture but where there's faces hidden in the structure of the rocks and trees, and there's some sort of scale for judging how observant you are by how many of the faces you can find. But the text accompanying the picture has atrocious grammar, and everybody at work to whom I sent it found all the faces without difficulty, so either we were all amazingly perceptive or the average person is just really stupid. Personally, I think it's both, but I digress. Anyway, rather than waste the valuable time of the people on dial-up modems, I didn't bother including the picture. You would have found all faces anyway, so just go ahead and feel good about yourself.

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Okay, here's the lamest e-mail quiz ever (I thought it up myself): Suppose you are a calendar manufacturer--er, printer. Yes, that makes more sense. Anyway, suppose you wish to make up templates for all the possible different configurations of years (not individual months, but the 12 continuous months that make up a year--yeah, I'm having a hard time describing this, but just go with it, okay?). So each template would go from January 1 - December 31. Now, here's the question: how many templates would you need to cover every possibility?

Anybody who made any heads-or-tails of that and wishes to offer a guess should reply to this message. (You're really going to kick yourself if you get it wrong.)

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Okay, now here's some upcoming events that I may or may not be attending. I won't waste our time by inviting you, since it is blatantly clear that nothing Doug suggests is in any way, shape, or form of interest to others, and since nothing Doug suggests involves rock bands with Keanu Reeves in them, but as long as you've bothered to read this far, I'll mention them (if for no other reason than to give you proper warning so you can avoid these locations):

This Friday, the day before St. Patrick's Day, if you're in the area of downtown L.A. (and if you're not, just skip ahead to the next one; really, I promise I won't say anything clever for the remainder of this paragraph--yeah, yeah, yeah: like I ever do), there is going to be a FREE lunchtime concert by the Young Dubliners in Pershing Square at 12:30. They're an Irish rock band that lives in L.A., but unlike U2, they still sound Irish (while still rockin').

This Saturday night, I'm considering going to see the Long Beach Symphony perform Dvorak's Symphony no. 9, "From the New World". If I don't go to that, I'll definitely try to catch it when the L.A. Philharmonic does the same piece on April 5. Yes, the observant among you will notice this is the second time I'm going to see classical music in a little under a month. Don't worry: I still have no culture.

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Well, I'm not entirely sure what to write here. I could just prattle on, throwing out gibberish: loquacious ubiquity rhapsody off tundra whistle vicar xylophone Euripides. What does it matter? I can't imagine anyone is still reading by this point. Oh, the delightful liberation of social invisibility. Remember, fellows: put the toilet seat down, as the ladies really appreciate it; that's one area where they're never going to be willing to meet us half way, so you might as well accept it. And make a point of washing off soda cans before you drink out of them, because who knows where they've been.

Good night, and have a pleasant valley Sunday. (That one's for you, Mika.)

P.S. No. Stone sober. Why do you ask?